Helplessness

       Fallen on the humid ground, I remember looking at the sky and thinking that it was a nice warm autumn day, the sun was shining and the sky was a brilliant blue.
       Even to this day I hear the drumming of hooves and the sound of the chariot’s wheels drifting into nothing. My husband’s roar of despair and the darkness in his gaze, the fear and the groans of utterly pain, it shook me out of my stupor, I almost came alive, he was trying to take me in his arms, to embrace me as close as he could, he was raising slowly my head.

‘Don’t…please, I can’t move my legs…I have spine trauma’ he could hear me barely whisper. Agonizing flashes that I barely remember go on: the ambulance came with a young nurse, who was more panicked than me, she didn’t really know what to do, she barely got my neck brace on and we go to the hospital.
       Between salons and doors at which I needed to wait the doctors finally decide to keep me at a hospital a night to see if I survive.  A single nurse approaches me all night trying to keep me calm, trying to encourage me ‘remember what you need to live for’.

 The next day my husband appears threatening trying to rationalize with the doctors, pleading for me to go to a better hospital, to Cluj Napoca. I was supposed to go with a helicopter, the situation was a critic one, but in my place goes an 80 year old man with a broken femur ( apparently it was more critical, he was the father of a senator). I wish to say my trip on the ambulance approximately 125 miles, and maybe it appears that it was made quick and easy but let’s remember we are in Romania, so the trip wasn’t slick and nice at all. In fact it was hell for me, the inflatable mattress that was supposed to keep me from feeling the bumps of the road was punctured so it staid deflated all trip. Next up awaits me hellish days that sometimes I wish I could forget, because of lack of cash, the hospital decides that until I have 3800 Ron cash to pay for the titan system that I needed, I won’t be put under surgery. My mum manages to arrive from Spain with the money, Saturday night, but the surgery won’t happen until Wednesday.

Days and nights of despair, hopelessness and trembling fear pass.

 I know what will happen, but do you want to?